Temper Tantrum

Today, I tried to do something I haven't done since my last long remission. I went out in a strange place and attempted to find a bus and a place to go. Big mistake. If I hadn't spent the past two days laying down watching Netflix I would have lost it and broken down sobbing in the street.

First, I checked the map (trying to find a pharmacy, needed nausea meds so I could eat and take my real meds) and got it loaded on my phone so I could just check the GPS marker and follow my route. Well, that went south as soon as I went outside and my phone decided it had no idea how to connect to the network. I asked a gardener how to get to Reseda, he kinda pointed me in the right direction. I finally get out of this stupid neighborhood with NO sidewalks and onto a main street that sounds right and I am somehow around the corner from the house. WTF? I started to cry at that point and it even looked like there were no sidewalks on the major road. So I went back home. I was so mad that I literally had a tantrum. I couldn't stop myself, I was sobbing and kicking my feet and screaming NO NO NO NO NO. I didn't know what to do. It should have been so easy. Follow a fucking map. Get on bus.

I sat down for a while and decided to try again. I went the right way this time and got down to the bus stop with minimal crisis. Then I got impatient and started walking the rest of the way. I got one block out of 6 and decided to stop again. I checked Nextrip and it said the next bus wasn't for 33 minutes!! So I found a gas station and got a bottle of water. As I was talking to the guy, he goes "oh! there's the bus! go!" I grab someone at the stop and ask what the deal is with transfers and fares. She is REALLY nice and actually asks the driver to give me a fare card. I love riding the bus. Its freeing and reminds me of college. I'm happy now. I'm getting to where I need to go. I get to my stop and hop off and get to the pharmacy.

I don't have my prescription. It's an hour away and I have no car. (duh, bus.) I go outside and finally lose the fight against collapsing that I fight every time I have to do something stressful. I almost managed to turn it into "oh im just sitting down right now" but I think the clerk saw. She came outside and asked if I was okay and said that I could call my dr. for a copy of the scrip. But my dr. is an hour away too. So. No meds for me. I have to get back on the bus and then 10 minute walk back to the house. And then my hip starts hurting. I'm limping by the time I get inside. I will probably be exhausted and unwilling to do anything for 3 or 4 days and then I will be too grumpy that I didn't do anything so I will just keep on staying inside.

I have to wait for my husband to come visit so he can bring my scrip. But I feel like if I ask him to come down, I'm wasting gas and his time and just making myself into such a bother. I'm so angry to be sick.