The Sun

Recently I've been feeling a stinging burning sensation when there is a patch of light coming in through the car window onto on my bare arm. Yesterday I worked out in the sun for several hours and was getting pretty dizzy and just tried to move slowly and drink water. If I become sun-intolerant Wasteland will be impossible! I'll never give up being a Guard but if they see me suffering, they just won't let me hurt myself. :( The one place I feel like I really belong and matter and lupus might take it away just like everything else.

Loopy Lupie

I feel trapped. I've always felt like I was "outside" and the exception to all the rules. Part of that is I am very contrary. If I'm told to do something I don't want to fucking do it. If everyone likes something, I hate it. Part of it, now I'm finding out, is because I am different. I have lupus. My body is actively attacking itself and is not behaving how it should be. I have no way of knowing what I should be like. I've had weird symptoms since I was I have no way of knowing what it's like to make a plan and follow it through to completion. Something always happens, I get fatigued, I get confused, I get depressed. That old line about it taking 21 days to form a habit does not apply to lupies. I have a couple good days and I think I've finally figured out a good routine or settled into some nice habits. Then all I want to do for a week is lay around and watch TV. I have a hard time not comparing myself to other people, and other lupies. That's bad to do, this is the disease of a thousand faces and what I can do one day doesn't have bearing on what I can do the next so what someone else can do has even less importance! I like to tell myself that my refusal to push myself has kept me from getting sicker. I think that is partly true and partly laziness. Just like everything else in my life- who the fuck knows what is going on? There are all the things you have to do to keep moving forward in life like brushing your hair and washing your pits and trying to make your meals and keep the cat hair from taking over. And then there is everything you can do to move upwards like learning a skill or organizing your closet or not being such a fatty fast food junkie. Being sick makes it a daily struggle to keep moving forward without crumbling. Moving upward becomes practically impossible.

Whole 30- Day 2

Hungry. Got a couple things at the farmers market. I have no idea how to make scrambled eggs on the electric range. My pill box is empty and I don't feel like filling it. My pills are about to run out but I won't need pills any more because I'm eating clean right?? Yeah. I'm so sure.

Whole30 Day 1

Day one breakfast: two scrambled eggs with bell pepper, pistachos lunch: 2 oz chicken with lemon and paprika I'm fucking starving. I'm sleepy and I can't focus. I don't have enough food in the house. I hate stupid vegetables. I want a big plate of pasta with garlic bread.

its 9:30

So its bedtime! I can not push myself until I absolutely have to. If I just pushed a little bit every day I wouldn't have these huge disasters at the end of a deadline. Goddammit.

A Couple of Things to be Angry About

being too poor to buy insurance and too rich to receive assistance
being too well to be disabled and too sick to actually work successfully

coasting...

I've been housesitting and dog sitting for nearly a month now. Basically, my life over the past 9 months has been: Prep madly for Wasteland and end up heading out a day early, and pulling a trailer for the first time. in the dark. Get home from Wasteland and immediately begin wedding planning. Stress from planning causing a HUGE flare and finally get diagnosed. Have wedding. Go on honeymoon. Day after honeymoon- find house. take two weeks to pack and move. take two weeks to unpack and leave for this month long job. since november 2012 I haven't had any time at all to think about anything health related. I've just been coasting on the meds and trying to not exert myself overly. I haven't had time to do anything for myself like relax or improve myself. its fucking wierd. since my husband and i moved out together, I felt like i havent relaxed once except maybe at Wasteland and on our honeymoon. I might look like im reading a book- but i'm really stressing about the bills or chores. It's no way to live and I really want to get to a place where i feel good, i'm doing good, and i'm making good (on my bills). I don't know how but I feel like its impossible. I'm trying to work two jobs and i feel so worn out and it's only the second week. I try to do all the meal planning and eat right and I end up drinking cokes and eating cheezits. Or i try to exercise and my fatigue and frustration with being sick (laziness) kick in and i watch 3 seasons of Lie to Me. I'm too afraid to try different therapies like diets or exercise routines because I dont want them to fail and I don't want to make my miserable life more miserable by denying myself my favorite things.