Loopy Lupie

I feel trapped. I've always felt like I was "outside" and the exception to all the rules. Part of that is I am very contrary. If I'm told to do something I don't want to fucking do it. If everyone likes something, I hate it. Part of it, now I'm finding out, is because I am different. I have lupus. My body is actively attacking itself and is not behaving how it should be. I have no way of knowing what I should be like. I've had weird symptoms since I was I have no way of knowing what it's like to make a plan and follow it through to completion. Something always happens, I get fatigued, I get confused, I get depressed. That old line about it taking 21 days to form a habit does not apply to lupies. I have a couple good days and I think I've finally figured out a good routine or settled into some nice habits. Then all I want to do for a week is lay around and watch TV. I have a hard time not comparing myself to other people, and other lupies. That's bad to do, this is the disease of a thousand faces and what I can do one day doesn't have bearing on what I can do the next so what someone else can do has even less importance! I like to tell myself that my refusal to push myself has kept me from getting sicker. I think that is partly true and partly laziness. Just like everything else in my life- who the fuck knows what is going on? There are all the things you have to do to keep moving forward in life like brushing your hair and washing your pits and trying to make your meals and keep the cat hair from taking over. And then there is everything you can do to move upwards like learning a skill or organizing your closet or not being such a fatty fast food junkie. Being sick makes it a daily struggle to keep moving forward without crumbling. Moving upward becomes practically impossible.